Seven years ago, I had a nearly fatal experience at work. I had just received a promotion and wanted to prove I was worthy of the job.
I had an overwhelming number of clients and it had been exhausting for a while, but as a black woman working in corporate America, I've always been told, “You have to work twice as hard to get half as much done.”
One early afternoon, I was driving about an hour from a client's site, and one moment I was driving, and the next thing I remember is waking up on the side of the interstate.
By God's grace, my car didn't hit anyone and I was able to walk home safely with no physical injuries, but I was horrified by what had happened. It was a reminder of the bad relationship I had with my job. need Change.
Falling asleep at the wheel because of burnout is a terrible thing, but I think the real tragedy is that for years I told no one about it — not my mom, not my friends, and certainly not my boss. I felt pressured to prove myself at work, and embarrassed that I didn't do it all well.
This moment was supposed to be a catalyst for a conversation with my team about what we could do differently, but I had no idea how to make my case. Work pressure, burnout, and a lack of open dialogue about mental health made me the worst kind of situation to avoid talking about what happened that day.
“Those who know, know”: exclusionary and hurtful practices
My horrific driving experience is one example of how the unspoken and unwritten rules of the corporate workplace can affect people, and my fear and reluctance to talk about it magnified the example. The impact of unspoken rules goes beyond promotion opportunities; they can be life-threatening.
I share my personal experience of falling asleep at the wheel because I believe in the importance of speaking the unspeakable in the workplace. Feeling seen, understood and valued is one of the most powerful feelings you can give your team members.
The unspoken or unwritten rules in the workplace are related to the exclusive phrase “those in the know, know.” IYKYK is used after a statement or any content to indicate an inside joke or a reference to something that only a certain group of people know and understand. You may have seen this popular hashtag on social media.
For example, an online post might read, “This Saturday is laundry day, so I won't be able to work in the morning, IYKYK.” Throughout my career studying the psychology of the corporate world, I have consistently found IYKYK to be widespread. When I experienced IYKYK in the workplace, it often led to feeling left out in certain situations, such as not being invited to meetings or missing important communications that others seemed to be receiving.
It got even more frustrating when I realized that non-typical people experienced these moments more often, and I wanted to ask if I was overlooking something or if there were certain rules I should be aware of.
One of the reasons why work becomes unbearable is the IYKYK culture. IYKYK occurs frequently in the workplace because there are written and unspoken rules. Some of the unspoken rules are actual codes of conduct that have a huge impact on the employee experience. For example, consider the unspoken rule that “it's not what you know, it's who you know.” This rule implies that in order to get promoted, you need to understand the dynamics of power and influence in the workplace.
We have formal expectations written in our HR handbook, such as “business hours are 9am to 5pm,” but we also have informal conventions and unspoken rules that govern how we do things. “No one schedules meetings after 3pm on Friday.”
The biggest challenge with IYKYK is that, by its design, it assumes that some people are unaware of the unspoken rules that typically align with the behavior of the majority group. While these unspoken rules may feel normal to the majority, they can be exclusionary to those outside the majority, especially those with historically marginalized identities.
Eliminate IYKYK and unspoken rules from the workplace
Whether the workplace was created with people like you and me in mind, most of us enter the corporate world with some gaps in the areas of IYKYK. But that doesn't mean we can't succeed in these areas. If you know, IYKYK is less valuable as an exclusionary practice. Knowledge is power, and applied knowledge is liberation from exclusionary systems.
The more you directly address implicit conversations like bias and burnout, the more your team will feel comfortable telling you when they're struggling or need extra support. Your company will benefit too: when people feel recognized and valued, they're more engaged, perform at higher levels, and are less likely to leave your organization.
As a CEO, here are some things you can do to dismantle the IYKYK culture and unspoken rules.
• Accept the reality that everyone has biases.
Systemic and individual biases lead to inequities in employee experience. But bias doesn’t have to be blindly accepted; there are ways to manage it. When you notice inequities, consider how you can drive better systems and workflows.
- Reflecting on how things are doneHow to assign new projects to team members, approve vacations, etc..
- Be curious about any patterns you notice. Ask more questions about how your team members are doing at work and Experience your leadership.
• Increase transparency in the promotion process
Make sure you understand the formal and informal things that contribute to a promotion and share that information with your team members.
- Keep team members updated. Let them know about the norms in your office and share personal experiences of overcoming them.
- Empower your team. Help them understand power dynamics, how to build internal networks, etc. Go beyond your comfort zone and provide feedback that increases transparency and levels the playing field for all team members. Honest feedback is often lacking between managers and employees with different identities.
There is no doubt about it. teeth There are unspoken and unwritten rules in the corporate world that hold back talent and perpetuate inequality — and they don't exist in companies that truly want to strive for a more inclusive work environment, where everyone's contributions are welcomed, valued, and celebrated.
