In sports, business, arguments, and relationships, “winning” often means a zero-sum game with clear winners and losers. Winning certainly feels great in the moment and can bring material gains, status, and a surge of dopamine. But if there is only one winner, what happens to the other winners? They may feel discouraged, envious, or empty.
However, “success” benefits everyone involved. Let's say you set a new personal best time in a 10k race, but finished 12th in your age group. At the national championship it would be recorded as a distant defeat. But you went to nationals, achieved personal bests, and built great relationships. These are all great successes.
Success is comprehensive and lasting.
Success includes winning, but it also recognizes everyone who moves forward with each challenge. This is not about participation trophies. It is about recognizing the efforts of all participants who have overcome meaningful hurdles. Anyone who does their best and achieves some good result is entitled to some kind of reward, whether it's a company bonus, a checkmark on a goal chart, or an ice cream cone after a game.
and please consider Durability of impact. Victories are often temporary, but success tends to have a lasting impact. Success can have long-term benefits, especially when defined by personal growth, skill development, and meaningful outcomes. Completing a challenging personal or even professional project may not bring immediate external recognition, but the experience and skills gained will contribute to future success and fulfillment. A broader view of success fosters continuous improvement. Confirming your own success will motivate you to take on further challenges, rather than being stuck with the short-term “winner” label.
Is this framework absolute? Of course not. Our legal system often requires adversarial debates with clear winners and losers. And team sports can create long-term friendships and reward league champions.
Success strengthens relationships
Imagine a business negotiation in which you “win” more value than the other party, but you end up alienating them and those around you. What are the long-term benefits of that deal?
Here are some practical practices that can help you evaluate your wins and losses more holistically.
1. Evaluate long-term relationships.
Assess wins, losses, and draws and how the results impact your relationships with stakeholders. Victories that create tension in relationships may not be beneficial in the long run. A deal that leaves one party feeling discouraged or left out may not be a true success. Prioritize outcomes that strengthen and maintain positive connections. These only increase the likelihood of future opportunities and partnerships due to network effects beyond the original parties. (Of course, the opposite is also true; even a small burned bridge can damage your reputation more broadly than you might imagine.)
2. Measure individual and team growth.
Consider whether the experience contributed to personal growth or to the growth of the team. Did you or your team learn new skills, improve processes, or gain valuable insights? Growth and learning can be important indicators of success, even in the face of loss.
3. Set incremental goals and celebrate them.
Break down larger goals into smaller achievable goals. Celebrate these milestones to recognize progress, even if the end result isn't what you expected. Recognizing small successes can increase motivation and morale. And you will be able to recognize satisfying victories in different situations.
4. Don't think win-win requires huge sacrifices.
From the beginning of complex interactions, aim for a solution that leaves all parties feeling like they're getting something of value. Value comes in all shapes and sizes. Oftentimes, seemingly insignificant concessions on your side can be surprisingly impactful for the other side. Stay open-minded when building win-win scenarios, build better long-term partnerships, and watch your success repeat.
5. Collect meaningful feedback regularly.
Solicit feedback from all stakeholders to gauge reaction to results and incorporate it into the project cycle. Use this feedback to identify areas for improvement and strengths to strengthen. This will help you develop strategies to replicate successes and avoid pitfalls in future endeavors.
Success is more than the checkered flag at the finish line. True success means that everyone involved leaves satisfied, enriched in the ways that matter to them, and looking forward to future interactions.
